Thursday, October 29, 2009

We have a heartbeat!

I can breathe....for now. We have one healthy baby measuring 6 weeks and 6 days with a heartbeat of 140 bpm! There is a second sac, but it is empty.)-: We were THIS close to having twins! But we are ecstatic and thankful to God for the one lil bean! I am officially released from the RE's and have my 1st OB appt next week on November 4th. Next hurdle....the NT scan.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This time tomorrow...

I will either be the happiest girl in the world or the saddest! I am so nervous about tomorrow morning. We are bringing Peyton with us to the Ultrasound since I have nobody to watch him (the usual 2 babysitter options are both out of town!) I hope he behaves and I hope it is good news so that I don't cry in front of him. Hubby is meeting us there tomorrow. He is going into work at about 6am and then leaving work to go to the U/S at 9. We are going to officially tell the inlaws the news tomorrow if it's good (Shane's stepdad & his mom) although he already told his stepdad! Big mouth! I talked to his stepdad last night & he informed me that he did not tell anyone the news but that my MIL & her mom both said that I am pregnant. Mainly b/c when they watched Peyton for me 2 weeks ago he apparently went around telling everyone that he was "getting a baby sister!" Big mouth!! Gets it from his father! LOL! My MIL of course told him "no, you are not getting a new baby!" and boy was Peyton mad!!!! When he came home he said to me in a very sad voice "Mim said I no have a baby sister!" and "Mim said I no get a baby, that babies poop and pee" He was so sweet, he was truly ticked that they did not believe him! Poor guy! I told him that Mim was just confused....ha ha!!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Christmas Countdown & MySpace Layouts

One more day

Until my 1st U/S. It is at 9am on Thursday & thank goodness Shane is going with me. I am so afraid it will be bad news. I keep telling myself that it will be fine & that I MUST still be pregnant b/c I pee all the time, am exhausted all the time and get ocasional heartburn. My sore boobs come & go, so that worries me...... Also, I am still sick with this cold. I am now just very congested in my sinuses and have an oasional cough. It gives me headahes which suck!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Still alive, still pregnant (I hope)...just down & out from a bad cold. Ugh!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Still Can't believe I am pregnant!

I am 5 weeks and 2 days. I am still nervous that this will all go away at any minute now. My 1st U/S is in 2 weeks...seems like a lifetime away! I just hope & pray baby is alive & well with a nice, fast beating heart! I made my 1st OB appt today....its on November 4th. I will be 8 weeks & one day at that time. I am having to find a new OB. One, I used to work for Presbyterian Hospital, so my insurance covered their Dr's. Now I work for CMC, so my new insurance will cover a Dr from CMC more than one from Presbyterian. Plus, my OB that delivered Peyton ticked me off....when I went to her last fall, after a year of TTC, several months of trying after our loss & D&E, her advice? "Just relax & it will happen. You have never had any trouble before getting pregnant" Give me a break! No clomid? No femara? no checking DH? Nada!
My bloating has actually started to subside a lot! I am exhausted, have frequent urination, vivid dreams at night, sore boobs, and occasional heratburn, so I feel pretty confident that things are still progressing well...but part of me now wishes I could get one more Beta just to make sure! Then again, if its bad....maybe ignorance is bliss.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Waiting for....

the end? The beginning? I just got back from the hospital where I had Beta #3 drawn. I feel awful. First of all, I am so bloated that NONE of my regular clothes fit me. I had to wear a knit jogging outfit that I bought the day before ET b/c a lot of my jeans at that time felt tight around my then tender abdomen but now even that damn jogging suit looks tight. I look 6 mos pregnant, it is such a cruel joke. I am pretty much a mess. I have wanted to cry all morning but would not let myself. One, b/c I didn't want to look like a fool at the hospital, two because I knew I had to take Peyton to Preschool later this morning (which now I am re-thinking), and three just because its dumb to cry w/o knowing the results. I thought about whether I should answer the phone when the nurse calls or just let it go to my voicemail. Hmmm...I had pretty much decided on voicemail, but then realized if I did that, they probably would not give me the actual Beta #, they would just say "good news" or "bad news". I always have had to ask them for the specific Beta #....its like they guard it with their lives. Although, if its bad news, I hate to be on the phone b/c I know I will not be able to speak for all of the tears and hyperventilating I will be spontaneously doing. Then I will probably not hear anything else they say, squeak out an "ok" & hang up. But, if by some miracle it is not bad news, well I need to speak to the nurse because I used the absolute last of my progesterone in oil last night for my injection. I have no more, not a drop. It felt like that was a bad sign last night, that I ran out, like God knew I would not be needing anymore. But, if it is a miracle today, I need a refill on the script.....I don't know if progesterone in oil is readily available anywhere, hopefully it is at the hospital pharmacy. But I am getting WAYYYY ahead of myself. I tried to wake Peyton up when I got home & he told me he was very sleepy...poor guy. He went to grandma & grandpa's house in the mountains this weekend. I think I kinda decided then & there that he could skip preschool, b/c he is tired, two because it is supposed to storm really bad here soon and three I can now just mope around here & let the tears flow and wait for the dreaded call. Plus, I don't have to go up in his preschool looking sad and 6 mos pregnant.

I got the call from Libby the nurse at 10:57am. I was lying in bed trying to sleep while Peyton watched cartoons. I had a glimmer of hope that she was calling early because it was good news....and it was!!! I cannot even remember what exactly she said...but my Beta was 357!!! 357! My U/S is October 29th at 9am. I hang up & texted several of my close friends the news...and then I just sat and cried like a baby! I cried and cried. I am an idiot, I know.....I am in shock. (that's why I didn't answer your call Angie!!)

Friday, October 9, 2009

I had to give myself my Progesterone shot tonight. IM. In the butt. It took me a bit to get the nerve up to do it, but in the end, I did it and it didn't even hurt. I have to do it again tomorrow night...ugh! I think if I KNEW this pregnancy was progressing well it would be easier. Shane & Peyton left today for the mountains to visit my parents (I have to work all weekend). )-: So, I am here, gearing up to work all weekend....hopefully it will help pass the time until Monday. I cried all day yesterday & then on & off today. I miss my little boy Peyton. Yesterday when I first got the phone call from my RE's office, we were playing in the backyard. I grabbed my phone and went into the kitchen and just left the backdoor open so I could keep an eye on Peyton. A few minutes later he came in & I was sitting there crying. He is such a sweet boy...he ask me if I was crying and then gave me a hug and then went outside & promptly returned with a little weed/flower...those white ones...he gave me a flower! He kissed me & hugged me & told me it was ok, not to cry. My 3 year old! He is such a sweet boy & I love him so much. I did something stupid & wasteful tonight, I bought another 3 pack of FRER pregnancy tests. I bought a box last Saturday night after work if you recall....I took those tests on 10/3, 10/4 and 10/6...the day of beta #1, which was 57. I couldn't resist today & did a test as soon as I got home. It was instantly dark...much darker than 10/6, but then again that was 3 days ago. I wish I had one from yesterday morning. The plan is to do one each morning & see if the line gets darker or lighter between now & Monday. Not that it means much....Monday's Beta is what will really count. I am realistic, I know it will most likely end badly. It will either be a blighted Ovum or an ectopic but I have the tiniest bit of hope that I will go in on Monday & it will be 400 plus. I still have my symptoms...the bloating, the fatigue...but then again, I guess that will not go away until my HCG level REALLY drops. For allI know, I could be at 88 right now and on the verge of it starting to drop.... Oh, here is the picture I took today (because I am a crazy idiot!) of this afternoon's HPT & the one from 5am on Tuesday 10/6....when my beta was 57:

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Waitng for Beta #2.....

This is the worst torture by far...waiting for #2. I knew #1 would be positive. But this one??? It could have stayed the same...bad news. Or it could have gone down...bad news. Or it could have only gone up a tiny bit....bad news. I am so scared!! I overslept today to make matters worse, so I had to take DS with me to the hospital and didn't get my blood drawn til almost 9am. It looked like I made the morning cut-off though....they added my vial to a big bag full of other vials and the one girl said "should I go ahead and send it now or wait a few more minutes to see if there are any others?" and the girl who drew my blood said "No, go ahead and send it" So, now I wait.........

The nurse called, Beta #2 is a low 86. It is not looking too promising. I go back in on Monday for Beta #3, that will be the final determining factor. I know I need to just hope & pray, but I am crushed and have a really bad feeling. My #'s are so low to begin with. I don't mean to be a big whiny-ass and start a pity party here, but I just feel like the whole world is caving in on me. Any prayers would be welcomed!

I wonder if it's an ectopic pregnancy? I had that spotting on Mon & Tuesday and the abdominal pain yesterday, although it was general, all-over pain, not just on one side or the other, and then tonight some lower back pain and even pain on my left side, but then on the right side too. Who knows? But those ARE signs...light bleeding, abdominal pain, low rising HCG #'s.....I am still incedibly bloated which makes it hard to breathe and hard to eat much, plus my belly looks pregnant. It's all some big cruel trick if I AM losing this pregnancy. I just want my body back if that's the case. I just want to feel normal again if I am not pregnant. I just want to be able to sign up to work a ton of extra days at work if I am not pregnant (and get to feeling normal) so I can make up for my lost wages during all of this. When I thought this was a good pregnancy it didn't matter to me, the lost money was well worth it. But if this is over, well, it was all for nothing and it sucks.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Beta #1 Day!


I went in a 7am today for my 1st Beta. I am excited and nervous. Last night at 7pm I noticed a little pinkish spotting. Not much and just when I wiped....but still. I layed on the couch the rest of the night. This morning when I woke up (at 4:30am!) I POAS and it was dark and appeared quickly, so I was excited! And, no spotting...more relief. However, at 5:30, when I got up to get ready for my Lab Appt, more light spotting...brownish-red. The RN said not to worry, it's probably implantation spotting. I hope so....She also said she would call me as soon as she got my Beta results. I have to go in for Beta #2 on Thursday. So, now I wait and stare at my phone & go to the bathroom every hour to check for spotting......
No more spotting so far and RN just called...very excited...she said I am pregnant!! The Beta # was 57. I go back on Thursday for #2. Please God, please...let it double or triple!!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009


of my weekend HPT's.... Now please God, don't let this be a cruel joke. Don't let me have a measley Beta tomorrow....

Saturday, October 3, 2009


Worked today....totally exhausting!
Went to Wal-greens on the way home.
Bought a 3 pack of FRER.
POAS at 8:30pm.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


Hard day today again...this time emotionally, not physically. I am still bloated and have heartburn and am tired, but now the whole doubting and 2WW crap is seeping in and driving me crazy, literally. (Physically I started feeling a lot better yesterday) I had an HCG shot on Monday night, 2500 units. From what I researched, the body metabolizes out about 1000 units per day. I did an HPT yesterday afternoon(I was near the dollar store so I bought a few......ok, 4. And then 4 more today) and it was a faint line, as I expected. The HCG was still in my system. I got the hair-brained idea to test everyday until the HCG was gone & just assumed that then it would start to darken again & I'd have my BFP and live happily ever after. I woke up at 5:45am this morning and as usual, was dying to pee. So, I POAS again. I totally expected to see maybe a faint line still, but it was blank. Nothing. Whiteness. Blinding. OK, ok...calm down you say. I know its early, I know I should be happy to know that the hcg is gone, so any lines I see now are real. But now I am petrified that there will be no more lines. I don't know how I will ever get through this if it doesn't work. I laid back down in bed at 5:50am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I just cried. And today is hubby's birthday, he had the day off. I got him a massage and he was in heaven. I feel so bad that I looked so sad and down today. I tried hard to cover it.

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