Sunday, September 27, 2009


That is today's official title...I am 2 days past a 3 day transfer. Up until now, IVF has actually been pretty easy. It really has. I felt like all the stuff I had read about how hard it is emotionally and physically was all...well....a tad bit exaggerated. I mean, sure...filling yourself up with multiple hormones daily for 2 weeks does cause some moodiness and other minor side effects...for me, it was extreme exhaustion....but it was tolerable. Hubby & I only had one huge blow-out fight while I was "high" on the hormones, LOL! I did sometimes feel like it was so unfair that I had to go through all of this crap to just have a 50% shot at getting pregnant, when I can recall vividly back to age 19 1/2 where I became pregnant after a one-time birth control failure, how I cried in my closet wishing that I wasn't pregnant....I will spare you the details. Point is, I am jealous of all the women who just say "I wanna get pregnant" and well, they do and of the ones who don't want to be pregnant & are. My co-worker was telling me about another co-worker of ours who is pregnant & due anytime now. She is a year older than me, and to be honest, pregnancy aside, I have never cared for her. She has never been a very nice person. When I first met her in Feb 2008, I was about 10 weeks pregnant. I recall her asking me how old I was & I told her...she said "oh good! I am a yr older than you & my husband & I want to try for one more baby eventually" Ok, whatever. I lost my pregnancy 3 weeks later, and several months down the road, she became pregnant. No big deal. Sure, in my mind once or twice I may have thought "why her? Why not me? She is mean & rude!" LOL! But I never am unhappy to see anyone get pregnant if that is what they want. So fast forward to now, I am in the middle of IVF and apparently this girl knows I am doing IVF...she told my co-worker "I hope that Karen is not angry and bitter when she sees me pregnant and I am older than her, and she is having to resort to IVF"....something along those lines. Hmmmm...... I don't know. I don't want pity. I don't want commentary. I don't know what to think. I guess I am rambling. I am going stir-crazy lying in bed and on the couch, my back hurts from lying down so much, I am bored, my mind is wandering to bad "this won't work", "how ridiculous am I to think that I will get a BFP". I feel very sore now physically, weak, tired, bloated, not very hungry, blah. And I am worried if it is a BFN, I will just get worse. I will want to crawl into bed into a ball and waste away. This part of the IVF is where the "hard" part comes in. The waiting. The doubting. The trying to be optimistic but yet not too optimistic so that you jinx yourself & ensure a BFN. You know? On one of the IVF boards I go to, two girls have so far gotten positive pregnancy tests, one has been negative. I don't think I am forgetting anyone.... I am trying so hard not to automatically put myself in the BFN category, but its so hard today.


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