Ranblings

Feeling a little melancholy lately. I just cannot believe how quickly the kids are growing up, and me too. Well, I don't think I am growing up, but definitely getting older. Blah! I hate that. Not because of the numbers, but just the fact that it means less time here on earth. Less time being young and vibrant and healthy. I feel like I have so much I want to do and see in life & I have barely done anything. I have a lot of day to day stress that I despise & resent. I have a lot on my plate. I want to be the best mom and wife I can, but I often feel like such a failure at it. It is hard making a 2nd marriage work sometimes, hard to blend you & your kids in with a new person. It has been almost 7 years and we still struggle. I have been working weekends for nearly 6 years now, and while it is great to avoid daycare, save us bundles of money and I can still earn a fulltime paycheck, it takes a toll on you. I never get to spend much quality time with my whole family. We never get to take little weekend trips. It's hard. It makes me sad, like I am missing out on so much. But, at the same time, I can't afford to put 2 babies in daycare & my son in daycare/afterschool care. And I don't want to! I don't want to be working 3 days a week during the week, 7a to 7pm. I personally would be thrilled to not have to work, but that isn't ever going to happen! )-: So, I just have to trudge on. I try to figure out ways to make this life easier, more organized, less chaotic. It always looks and sounds great in my mind, but never quite pans out in real life. I never do much of a meal plan, I never get much sleep or exercise, I just live day to day. Trying to do the best I can. I know one day all of the kids will be grown & gone and I can then do what I want, when I want....but then I will probably miss them too much and be so old that I can't physically do what I want to do!!!!!